I havent updated my blog for a few days (apologies) after quite a busy week of getting wasted, blazing round my friend Kitty's and breaking a computer I havent really had much time. Ive had quite an angry 2 weeks and what better to write a huge blog entry on how life pretty much fucking sucks! Those of you that know me will know that after a few days (or even a few hours) I need to express my pent up anger in a healthy way; bitching. Here is a short list of some things that have been fucking pissing me off recently. Hold on tight, its gonna be a bumpy ride.
CO2 emission junkies who drive gas guzzling monster dune buggies for the treachorous and intrepid 5 minute school run. Driving on dangerous terrain there, better to be safe then sorry. Its nice that the o-zone layer has to pay for middle aged twats to feel trendy.
Overtly gay men.
"I just wish people would treat me like a normal person." Well maybe if you acted like a normal person instead of fucking everyone, squealing like a 6 year old girl and reminding everyone every 5 minutes that you take it up the chuff people might treat you differently and maybe the gay community wouldnt be such a fucking joke?
Men that wear surfer/beach jewellery.
A tutty little plinky shark's tooth or tribal shape on a bit of string (after some quick research I found out these are actually called "thong necklaces" LOL) a leather bracelet with rope on it, or possibly the worst - ankle bracelets. I dont know wether the men that wear these think its boho or edgy but I think it just looksgay and shit and I dont think I could ever go out with someone that wore such things.
Friends that get laid.
Its the age old story, your friend meets someone, drags you round with them and asks for your advice on their relationship blah blah blah 2 weeks later they've disapeared off the face of the earth telling you their far too busy to see you. Its really nice to know that having a penis inside you is worth more than our friendship. Remember me? Yeah I was your friend before you got laid. And to add insult to injury you can bank on them ringing you 3-6 months later after the post coital bliss has worn off and theyve finally broken up "Oh my god its been ages! We should meet up!" errr....Id rather not, ta.
Talking about politics.
Just because I have no interest in politics does not make me a stupid idiot as most people would like to make out. Some of the most politically minded, academically clever people I know are also the most fucking ignorant and stupid. Maybe I'll start passionately arse raping a party when there's one thats not led by somebigoted, lying, oxford grad arse hole with £ in his eyes.
Joe Browns Catalogue
I remember one year at Christmas, Mama said I could choose one thing out of this catalogue as my present. I think I'd been bad that year and its rather ironic seeing as most of their clothing look like theyve been made out of a bag of coal.Girls that fuck dick heads.
We all know he talks about women like their shit, we all heard him tell his friends how he's gonna fuck you like a piece of meat and we ALL know by next week we're gonna be reading about your 'broken heart' on facebook so why go through all the effort! "All men are dick heads!" no they're not actually love, I know plenty of lovely men that you wouldnt look twice at just because their not cool or macho or go to sakura. Your loss. If your really that in need to fuck someone you have issues; sit down, chill the fuck out, listen to some Chaka Khan and get some self respect!
People that say inapropriate things to sound interesting.
"I like to rape babies!", "Id love to have aids.", "I have a fetish for eating old women." You know the type; geeky, dull and completely predictable. They often come hand in hand with someone with a fake drug addiction/overdose story that gets repeated to everyone (and that somehow everyone believes). The worst thing is I always seem to end up talking to or being near these people at parties.
Waiting for women.
One place I would absolutely love to visit would be a Ladies bathroom. Not because Im a pervert but because all my friends take so long there must be something going on in there! Seriously Ladies I would absolutely love to know what takes 20 minutes to do in the toilets. Either all my friends need to see a fucking doctor or something bangin is going on in there. Its nice that when your busyhaving a dump, reapplying your make up and gossiping Im stood outside like Im trying to score some puss which leads me on to my next subject...
Old men that think Im a hooker.
Countless times have drunk, middle aged, smelly (and normally polish) men have asked me if I'm "selling" and 9/10 times has been because of waiting for girls. I remember one particularly nasty situation where an old man tried to kiss me in the street after inaudibly slurring about his wife and kids. Nice. I dont know wether to take this as a compliment but seeing as the only people that ever show any hint of interest in me are wasted middle aged perverts maybe its a sign that I need to change my wardrobe.
Gay dating websites.
To begin with I felt like a massive loser joining but after seeing pretty much every gay person I know on at least one website I felt better. Firstly I dont know why their called dating websites because their not for dating at all, predictably they're merely a catalogue of people to fuck, in fact its more common to have a profile picture of your genitals than your face. Whilst filling in your profile your presented with hideous and personal questions for example; dick size, cut or uncut, sexual activites etc. Too much information mate! Ill find all this out for myself thank you very much and at the end of the day if you list your penis as small who is ever going to send you a message. Very very occasionaly you may come across a profile of someone that seems a little bit normal or maybe on the same wave length but alas keep scrolling down and eventually you'll come to the sexual activities box "Sexual activities; rimming, scat, watersports (I thought this meant water polo but it actually means urinating on people), bears, S&M." no, no, no, NO!
Pheew! I need a zoot now.
From a very angry Charlie Firefly
Peace and Love x
Adding onto mums in chelsea tractors would be there insane view that they own the road and when they screw at you after you crossed properly and ALMOST GOT MOWED DOWN.
ReplyDeleteThey ain't safe anyway, higher centre of gravity so more chance they will roll in a crash and die lol